Have you ever looked your reflection in the eye, lifted your chin, and said the words, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.” I have. In fact, my therapist once had me do it more times than I can count every day until I believed it. Do I believe it? Well, no. But I cared that she thought I did, so I guess it wasn’t a very effective loop. As much as I try not to, I rely on validation from those I love, and others around me.
I take things extraordinarily seriously. Once I commit myself to something, like per-say, a relationship, I’m there until the bitter end. Two years into my first relationship, at the age of fifteen, I asked my (ex)boyfriend what drew his eye to me. He said it was that I didn’t care what people thought of me.
He said this to a corpse.
Now, you might find this harsh phrasing. You may be thinking to yourself how, why is it that this writer, who hasn’t even introduced themselves yet, has the presumptuousness to state they’ve died and come back to life? Well, I’m writing to you to say I’ve spent far too many years dead, and I am in the process of coming back to life. I am starting this blog to document my journey. My path of finding meaning in the inhale and exhale of waking and sleeping.
I could have started this post with a list of labels. A string of reasons I was in that therapy session. I could give you numbers to describe how dead of a corpse I’ve been. Name the hospitals I’ve visited. But we all have different journeys, and if there is one thing I have learned from watching many inspiring people walk the path of recovery from one thing or another before me, it is that we’re all the same. It doesn’t matter who has had how many drinks, or who ate how little. What matters is where we are all going, and that we’re going there together.
In another post later on I will detail my past, and most definitely my present, but for now I’ll let you know this blog will focus mainly on my day-to-day with Anorexia Nervosa, Chronic Migraines & Headaches, Bipolar Disorder, and my pursuit of an undergraduate degree in Electrical Engineering (with a possible minor in Dance).